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We join Hoops' fantasy lifestyle talk show, "Dandom Living" already in progress.
Hoops is schmoozing and yukking it up with Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme. Let's look in...

Hoops: ...so I'm at Harrah's Tahoe and Frank says to me, "I thought you said 'Steely Band!"
Eydie: Me too! Ha ha ha ha ha ha
Steve: Me three! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 
Entire audience laughs, some tentatively starting to applaud...then the audience gains control of its senses.
Hoops: So Mel has been a big fan of the Dan for a long time. He even covered the "Goodbye Look" and "Walk Between The Raindrops." I was wondering if you are considering any Dan-related covers.
Eydie: Well, we thought about "Haitian Divorice" but then we heard Tammy Wynette was doing this country version...
Steve: Then we thought we could launch "Do It Again" as a duet ballad sorta thing at the Sands but we're having some problems with our accordian player. And there's the stigma of having Dan fans compare our version to Walter and Donalds'...would ours be worthy?
 Hoops Well I have a little suggestion...
 Eydie: We're always game and gamey! Right, honey?
 Steve: Right, Baby!
 Hoops: Here goes. My pal Cy runs a bookstore just outside the Urbana city limits on US 45 North by the Interstate and he needs a commerical to promote his appliance department. I was hoping that you might record this Becker/Fagen ditty as a radio jingle.

Looking through the Library of Congress I found this obsure Becker/Fagen ditty from their pre-Steely Dan days. It swings! I have a little arrangement all worked out. The band is stoked. Could you give it a test run now? (Hoops hands Steve and Eydie the sheets...)
Eydie: Wow! I've always loved appliance stores! Well, OK!
Steve:  Swell!
Steve and Eydie get up and dash over to the stage. The band starts to play and Steve and Eydie start to sing, gazing lovingingly at each other, smiling...
Steve: Jolly tricks and politics
May pass you by
Soul Ram
Eydie: Little men with stick pins
leave you high and dry
Soul Ram
Steve: Baby runs the show
She's got a soul ram
Steve: Who could know she'd be up on top
All night long
Eydie: Never stop
Right or wrong
Steve: Carousels 
and wishing wells
Are fine for some
Soul Ram
Eydie: After dark
Tacoma Park
Can show you fun
Soul Ram
Steve: Baby oughta know
She's gotta soul ram
So well planned
Steve: I suppose that she don't need her friends
Eydie: Just pretend
'know the score
Steve & Eydie dance wildly during harpsicord solo.
Steve: Baby let it grow
She's got a soul ram
In her hand
Steve: Never knew she dug the heavy stuff
Steely Dan
Eydie: Play it rough
backdoor man!
Steve: Jelly roll
can't save your soul
This mama can
Steve: Soul Ram (Steve gazes deeply into Eydie's eyes)
Eydie: Soul Ram (Eydie gazes deeply into Steve's eyes)
Steve & Eydie: Soul Ram.
(They smile at each other, hold hands and bow to the audience's wildly enthusiastic applause.)
Hoops: UNREAL!!! After that performance, maybe I should change the show's name to "Steely Dan Loving!" (Audience laughs -- fade out to "Velveeta" commercial...")
LATER: Their "Soul Ram In The Wind '97" commerical turns the book store with its appliance department into a conglomerate with big-box outlets in strip malls internationally thourghout suburbia. Steve and Eydie's "Soul Ram In The Wind '97" becomes the first Becker/Fagen-penned hit to go to number one, owing largely to all profits being donated to a special fund to provide Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony tickets to the illegitmate children of the inductees. The nation weeps.

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created 10.5.97 / last update 2.21.01
© 1997
j. j. mckay all rights reserved